familiesOur Adoption Story: Ginny and John
John and I have been married coming up 12 years in Jan 05. Doesn't time fly! When we first met it wasn't long before we started sharing our views about families etc. and almost within a month of meeting we knew we wanted to be each other’s life partner - insane but true!
We still both remember vividly our conversation on the farm in Tatyoon (John’s sister & brother in law's farm), during our first Christmas spent together only a month after we met. It was my first Christmas spent with a family. Our family only celebrates Chinese New Year.
We spoke about my dreams of taking my dad to China. Since then my Dad has passed on and I still have never been to China.
It has always been my dream since childhood to go to China, to see the China my dad and grandmother, both who I love dearly, came from. They filled my heads with stories of "The Land of the Dragon people". We also spoke about how many kids we would like to have and debated about 3 being ideal, but then one would feel left out and so we should have 2 or 4. We spoke about how to raise kids and were extremely pleased that we shared so much in common. I then also mentioned to John that, as much as I would like to have my "own" kids, I feel guilty as there are so many kids around that need a home. I asked him if he minded if we adopt as well - after we have our "own" kids" of course. We were both very pleased that we wanted children in our lives and both spoke about the fun and joy we have from our nieces and nephews. (John has 21 nephews & nieces in total and the current count includes 5 grand nephews & neices. I have 4 nieces and 1 nephew and 3 grand nieces!). At that time what we did not speak about was infertility because it never crossed our mind!
We waited for a year (so as to be respectable and not be seen to be rushing into it!) to get married. We were not "trying" very hard the first year and were quite happy that I wasn't pregnant because we were so much enjoying our time together as a couple. Then John left teaching and returned to the business full time and we were both putting our energy into the business. At the same time we were classed as "infertile" and therefore needed medical intervention to assist us in having children. I grappled with the shock for a while and was angry and resentful that it didn't happen as easily and naturally as I expected - after all, what is so difficult about getting pregnant? From day one, it has been drummed into me by my mum that as a girl I have to be careful not to get pregnant and so who would ever have thought that getting pregnant and having children would be so difficult. Besides the doctor said I was still young and healthy at 32 years of age. In the meantime we had more pressing issues like meeting the demands of a growing business. IVF was very invasive for me and I was totally unprepared for the way the drugs would affect me as our first IVF doctor told us that it would happen easily and in no time at all. It was hard on John to manage a half crazed wife plus trying to take time off from the business to attend the appointments for IVF. At times the unreasonable side of me felt like it was all on my shoulders. Fortunately our love was strong and were both very determined that it was our relationship that mattered above all else.
Ten years passed. Over that time our relationship grew. We changed our lifestyle and every year or two, we would go into IVF with high hopes and trepidation, then face the crashing disappointments, rave and rant, take time to heal and repeat it over again for another 6 times. During that time we also looked at adoption but the paperwork and the hoops that the Department of Human Services (in Australia we have to adopt only through government agencies, there private adoption are not allowed) wanted us to jump through were really demanding and IVF seemed to be an unfinished business that we had to go through. Each time we thought we have fingered the problem of our infertility. We hoped again that a new protocol would give us a chance. It was hard to give up because we felt that we were so close and to give up was to give it away too easily. This meant that our adoption plans got put on hold as each year passed as DHS would not allow us to do both at the same time.
At a certain point in time we almost adopted a little baby in Malaysia, but that was not successful, and it was a painful experience. From this experience, I have learnt the meaning of grace, and from this experience I have learnt to turn hurt into compassion and I believe, painful as it is, it will make me a more empathetic person and a better parent in the process.
As a result of trying to see the IVF process out we missed the age cut off for adoption in Korea, and knowing that we had to make a decision soon or otherwise we would be too old to adopt, that pushed us over the line to get our tortuous paperwork for the adoption done. China was our next best option as, other than Korea, it was the only country that offered younger children for adoption. We had also heard that, relative to a lot of other countries, China's adoption program is very well run. In addition to this of course is it would be easier for me to share our child's heritage being chinese but that was a bonus rather than a criteria.
It took us another one and a half years before we got approved and so now we are just waiting for the allocation of a child. Initially we were told that the waiting time from the time the documents were sent to China and an the time a child would be allocated had been reduced from 12-14 months to 8-9 months, but after our dossier was sent to China, we were told that China was trying to achieve a wait time of six and a half months. We are currently into the fifth month of waiting and so hoping to wait only another 1-2 months and to travel within one to two months after that. This means that we will hopefully be home as a family by Christmas.
Whilst waiting for our approval for adoption, we were also offered a chance at donor eggs and we were certainly amazed by how there are lots of caring, compassionate women out there who are willing to help someone realise their dream of being a parent. In Australia as it is illegal to be paid for egg donation, these amazing women are donating for altruistic reasons so that they can see the joy of a child in a family! In exploring this option, we met a lot of wonderful people who really impressed us and some of these wonderful caring women have become really good friends. That is another blessing!
Some of you might be wondering why we are sharing our story. I guess we would like to keep our families and friends informed but we also want to open up "hush hush" topics like infertility, IVF and adoption which affect a lot of families who have to go through it and also their families and friends that wondered about it.
So we are happy to share some of our thoughts and views about these.
Sometimes people who faces infertility asked why me, I said why not? It can happen to anybody. We are very grateful for so many other blessings we have and having children is not a right but it just a gift.
To us infertility is not a contagious or unspeakable disease, so please talk to us openly. Neither is it something that John or I have done to cause it. You do not need to speak in hushed or whispered tones!
Different people have different views about IVF and we respect that. But to us it is just another opportunity to build a family. It is not a first, second or last choice, it is just an option.
Adoption, again is not a first, second or last choice but a choice we arrived at happily and confidently. Whatever way a child comes into our family, he or she is still God's gift and we are grateful, as we always are for the gifts that God has given to us.
So now the countdown for us begins.
I don’t have a fat belly, I do not have heartburn nor feel nauseous, neither do I have cravings nor back aches, I also do not experience any tiredness. I know I am unlikely to have extra fold of fats down my belly, the only wrinkles I would get would be around my eyes, I still haven’t experienced having to empty my bladder regularly (if I do it is more likely because of old age) but don’t tell John this because in the meantime I am trying to get in as much of those foot massages and back and belly rubs as I can and my excuse is that I am expecting, it doesn’t matter that he is expecting too!
Other than that we are looking forward to our parenting days, in the meantime we are also lapping up our days of non parenting days which I am sure a lot of you out there would empathise. Please keep us and our little one in your prayers so that she/he may be safe. It will be a surprise. (But boy am I going to be doing a lot of selling on Ebay if “it” is a him.)
